The Chicago Sun-Times (the Windy City’s equivalent of the Boston Herald) tells us that Theo Epstein’s grandfather co-wrote the screenplay for “Casablanca,” the heart-throbbing cinema event that defined America two generations ago. Alright, big deal — but it’s good to remember that when grandma toddled off to see it, Franklin Roosevelt was president, American soldiers were fighting the Japanese at a place called Buna . . . and the Cubs hadn’t won the World Series in 34 years.

That was a little less than seventy years ago: the Cubs still haven’t won the series, the Japanese are now our friends and this guy — who didn’t even play baseball in high school — thinks he’s going to rescue the Cubs. Ha! Think of that: the arrogance. The fact that Theo & Company recently had a pretty good run in Boston (in the junior circuit — and for a team named for the color of their hosiery, no less), doesn’t mean squat. These are the Cubs. The North Side Drama Queens. The Palestinians of the baseball world. They don’t win. Ever.

Which hasn’t kept Chicago from being excited. “Terrific news,” says Bleed Cubbie Blue. “This is about as good a news as we can get,” says The View From The Bleachers. “Epstein is worth the sticker price,” notes The Cub Reporter. Okay, but before Cubs fans anoint Epstein “A-Number-One,” the King of Chicago, they should  remember that he can’t hit, pitch or field — and neither can the Cubs. And that’ll be true this next year, and the year after, and probably the year after that.

How do we know? Because it’s been seven years since the Nationals arrived in Washington, and this year they finished a game under .500 — which is about where they were when they arrived in town.  Spontaneous demonstrations broke out in Washington at season’s end — because compared to where the Nats’ came from, one game under .500 looks and feels like success. The Cubs are worse, much worse. By mid-season of 2012, Theo will wonder what the hell he’s gotten himself into.

So while everyone in Chicago is calculating who goes, and when (and who arrives), Epstein’s first challenge has little to do with the team on the field. You don’t win without a strong front office and a patient fan base. Finding good young players and convincing Cubbiedom that this will take time (after 103 years, no less) will take some doing. And while he’s at it, he can deep six “the five B’s” — black cats, billy goats, Broglio, Brant Brown — and Bartman.

The “curse” (and how many are there?) is just an excuse. Truth is, the Cubs haven’t developed a good player since Mark Grace (Sandberg came via Philadelphia, and the Twins passed on Mark Prior to draft Joe Mauer), and team hasn’t brought in a good player from somewhere else since Andre Dawson walked into town. That should tell Theo something about the Cubs front office, which is as soft as a pillow. Always has been.

So if Theo is going to replicate for Chicago what he did in Boston — if he’s going to “play it again” — he can start with cleaning out the scouting stables. And he can tell Cubs fans to stop flying that “L” from a flagpole everytime they lose. Forget Brock for Broglio, forget billy goats, black cats and Brant Brown, forget Bartman and understand this — there isn’t anything lovable about losing.

Okay, okay. Enough of the negativity. It doesn’t take much to see that the problems the Cubs have don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but the greatest game I ever saw in my life took place at Wrigley Field on a hot August night in 2001. The Cubs were in the middle of a pennant race and won the game — and the fans nearly tore the place down. So Theo, listen up: if you thought there was pressure in Boston, wait’ll you get a load of this.