The Chicago Sun-Times (the Windy City’s equivalent of the Boston Herald) tells us that Theo Epstein’s grandfather co-wrote the screenplay for “Casablanca,” the heart-throbbing cinema event that defined America two generations ago. Alright, big deal — but it’s good to remember that when grandma toddled off to see it, Franklin Roosevelt was president, American soldiers were fighting the Japanese at a place called Buna . . . and the Cubs hadn’t won the World Series in 34 years.

That was a little less than seventy years ago: the Cubs still haven’t won the series, the Japanese are now our friends and this guy — who didn’t even play baseball in high school — thinks he’s going to rescue the Cubs. Ha! Think of that: the arrogance. The fact that Theo & Company recently had a pretty good run in Boston (in the junior circuit — and for a team named for the color of their hosiery, no less), doesn’t mean squat. These are the Cubs. The North Side Drama Queens. The Palestinians of the baseball world. They don’t win. Ever.

Which hasn’t kept Chicago from being excited. “Terrific news,” says Bleed Cubbie Blue. “This is about as good a news as we can get,” says The View From The Bleachers. “Epstein is worth the sticker price,” notes The Cub Reporter. Okay, but before Cubs fans anoint Epstein “A-Number-One,” the King of Chicago, they should  remember that he can’t hit, pitch or field — and neither can the Cubs. And that’ll be true this next year, and the year after, and probably the year after that.

How do we know? Because it’s been seven years since the Nationals arrived in Washington, and this year they finished a game under .500 — which is about where they were when they arrived in town.  Spontaneous demonstrations broke out in Washington at season’s end — because compared to where the Nats’ came from, one game under .500 looks and feels like success. The Cubs are worse, much worse. By mid-season of 2012, Theo will wonder what the hell he’s gotten himself into.

So while everyone in Chicago is calculating who goes, and when (and who arrives), Epstein’s first challenge has little to do with the team on the field. You don’t win without a strong front office and a patient fan base. Finding good young players and convincing Cubbiedom that this will take time (after 103 years, no less) will take some doing. And while he’s at it, he can deep six “the five B’s” — black cats, billy goats, Broglio, Brant Brown — and Bartman.

The “curse” (and how many are there?) is just an excuse. Truth is, the Cubs haven’t developed a good player since Mark Grace (Sandberg came via Philadelphia, and the Twins passed on Mark Prior to draft Joe Mauer), and team hasn’t brought in a good player from somewhere else since Andre Dawson walked into town. That should tell Theo something about the Cubs front office, which is as soft as a pillow. Always has been.

So if Theo is going to replicate for Chicago what he did in Boston — if he’s going to “play it again” — he can start with cleaning out the scouting stables. And he can tell Cubs fans to stop flying that “L” from a flagpole everytime they lose. Forget Brock for Broglio, forget billy goats, black cats and Brant Brown, forget Bartman and understand this — there isn’t anything lovable about losing.

Okay, okay. Enough of the negativity. It doesn’t take much to see that the problems the Cubs have don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, but the greatest game I ever saw in my life took place at Wrigley Field on a hot August night in 2001. The Cubs were in the middle of a pennant race and won the game — and the fans nearly tore the place down. So Theo, listen up: if you thought there was pressure in Boston, wait’ll you get a load of this.

Scott Olsen’s seven inning gem against the Dodgers has Nats fans (and the Washington Post) oohing and ahhing about the team’s new attitude. “Instead of saying ‘Get ‘em tomorrow,’ the Nats have finally assembled a tougher, more irritable group that actually does it,” Post columnist and leading baseball pundit Thomas Boswell writes. Boswell goes on to note: “It’s not just the Nats’ record that is different this spring. The Nats themselves are. They’re starting to resemble the first gritty crew that brought baseball back to D.C. after a 33 year wait.” Tougher? More irritable? Gritty? My first reaction was to scoff: forget irritable and gritty — we need front line guys who can throw strikes. Please, please, please Tom (I know you’re the best, or close to it), but you know (and I know, and it’s no secret) that a rotation of Lannan, Stammen, Olsen and Hernandez are not going to get it done.

But in studying yesterday’s box score, I began to question by own cynicism. The difference in the Nats 1-0 win yesterday (a beautifully pitched game, if ever there was one) from any of their wins last year was obvious. For right there, in the middle of the line-up, were two players the Nats needed, but didn’t have, in the ’09 campaign. When Mike Rizzo signed Ivan Rodriguez and Adam Kennedy in the offseason, he not only filled two special needs, he added two gamers to the clubhouse — players who not only know how to win, but want to. While Rodriguez and Kennedy went a combined 0-6 yesterday, their role on the team has been indispensible, providing much needed leadership to a crew of talented, but young, players. Mike Rizzo added a caveat: “We’re a long ways from where we want to be.” Yeah, true. But you’re also a long ways from where you were.

The difference between the ’09 and 2010 Nats becomes more obvious when you go through the line-up of the Chicago Cubs, whom the Nats face in Chicago starting tonight. The North Side Drama Queens are a team of head cases and disasters-waiting-to-happen: Alfonso Soriano’s penchant to drop flies in left field is damn near agonizing, the perpetually petulant Carlos Zambrano has been demoted to the bullpen, the perennially injured Aramis Ramirez is a fracture away from putting the Cubs in the cellar and Kosuke Fukudome is overpaid and (undoubtedly) on the trading block. I know, I know — the Cubs just swept the Brewers and can hit the hell out of the ball. But the name of this game is pitching, and the Cubs don’t have it. Forget the starters (or don’t — if you really believe that Carlos Silva is the answer), and focus on the bullpen. The line-up of Berg, Grabow, Gray, Russell and Marmol is a patched together crew of rookies and semi-veterans (like Marmol) who have yet to prove they can hit the strike zone. Put another way, we would be justified in saying that the Cubs bullpen collapsed in the first two weeks of the season, but we’d be wrong. It had nothing to collapse from.

Cubs fans are on a death watch. Nats 320 has an outstanding interview with Cubs blogger Joe Aeillo of View From The Bleachers, and while Joe sounds positive enough, you can almost hear the ‘Oh-God-wadda-we-gonna-do’ tension in his voice. Joe talks about Uncle Lou’s bullpen problems and notes that Zambrano has been “the weak link” in the rotation so far this year, but the icing comes when Nats 320 asks about Soriano. “I’ll give you $20 right now, straight cash homie, if you convince the Nationals to take him back,” Joe says. That’s a deal we can pass up: we’ll keep Willingham. Soriano, the bullpen — they’re all problems. But the real problem facing the Cubs is down the road in St. Louis. The Cubs don’t have anyone who matches up with Chris Carpenter, Brad Penny or Adam Wainwright. I can’t stand Penny (he should just rob a 7-Eleven and get it out of his system), but the former Dodger bad boy is pitching brilliantly — with three wins and a 0.94 ERA. That’s a record that Zambrano can only dream about.

The Cubs haven’t had a team since Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were five outs away from the World Series. Remember? Prior was a USC power pitcher with Cy Young stuff and Woods struck out 20 in his rookie season. And then . . . and then, in the 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS a little pop foul that should have been caught did them in. It was their last shot. Neither Prior nor Wood have been the same since; Prior became a surgeon’s dream and is now out of baseball and Wood is in Cleveland, dealing with a cranky back. Looking at Prior (a shoulder, an achilles tendon, a hamstring, another shoulder), you can understand why Mike Rizzo wants Stephen Strasburg in the minors — and why he insists that any member of the Washington club have a winning attitude. Put another way, the problem with Cubs comes down to this: Carlos Zambrano throws the ball in the mid-90s and is capable of a 20-win Cy Young season. But wouldn’t you rather have Livan Hernandez?

The Washington Nationals have signed Stephen Strasburg for a reported $15.675 million four year contract, according to a reporter for Baseball America. The reporter said that he talked to Strasburg and that the contract was agreed to at the last minute — at two minutes before the deadline. Strasburg said he was “thrilled” with the agreement and thrilled to be a National. If confirmed, the agreement will ensure that the Nationals have signed the country’s top pitching prospect, with the three things that every young pitcher needs — a good fastball, a good breaking ball, and command of the strike zone. The contract exceeds by some fifty percent the next highest contract ever given to a drafted player — the $10.5 million dollars given to Mark Prior by the Chicago Cubs in 2001 — and is much less than Strasburg agent Scott Boras had projected.

The contract has been confirmed by the Washington Nationals, and Strasburg is expected to appear before the press on Wednesday or Thursday at Nationals Park. The Nationals have announced that the contract was in excess of $15 million. The signing adds immediate credibility to a team with a turbulent season. “We think he’s not just a draft pick,” team president Stan Kasten is quoted by Bill Ladson as saying on Saturday, ”we think he’s a special player, which is why we extended ourselves as much as we did.” It is not known where the Nats would start Strasburg, but there is a univeral expectation that he will be pitching at Nationals Park sometime in September.