Centerfield Gate has learned that Nats fan and Congressional aide Tyler Allard was stopped by Israeli security officials this week and questioned on his support of terrorism. Allard was sporting a ‘Curly W’ green hat at the time that he was questioned by a security official at Israel’s Ben Gurion International Airport. As green is a color most often associated with militant Islamist groups, the hat raised Israeli hackles. The Nats fan was passing through security when an Israeli officer pointed to the green hat and questioned him: “Why do you wear that?” he asked. Allard realized his mistake: “Good question,” he replied. “They are hopeless. They desperately need relief. You never know when they will hit, and because their defense is so bad, they suffer more than they can dish out. It’s not rational and I can’t explain why, but we are loyal and we love them.” That response only confused the Israeli security officials, who delayed the Nats fan and checked and rechecked his baggage. Why would an American want to give terrorists “relief” — why would he say “they suffer more than they can dish out?” But they agreed with him on one thing: you never know when they will hit.

Centerfield Gate rushed to meet the crisis, calling an emergency session of its board of directors (you’ve already been introduced to them, but here they are again) and flying them into a secure location in Washington for consultations on the crisis. Emerging from their meeting hours later, the head of the board issued a terse statement: “We are in shock and awe about one of our fans wearing the color green,” the board chairman said, “and we wish to assure our readers that, unlike this guy and his un-American hat — we don’t hate our freedoms. And you won’t find us wearing green.” Another board member was even more distraught: “I can’t talk about it,” he said. “It just renders me speechless.” It is not clear what the meeting accomplished, but some board members were quoted anonymously as saying that they were considering recommending to Stan Kasten that “America The Beautiful” be sung three times during the 7th inning stretch, and not just once. “I can never hear America The Beautiful too often,” this board member said. “It’s one thing to search for pitching, but Stan needs to get his priorities straight.”

Another CFG official was more skeptical. “I don’t know if this is that big of a deal,” he said. “After all, I don’t think Muslims are big baseball fans. Of course, they might like football — it’s a lot more violent.” He then added: “You know, though, we might want to get in touch with the Oakland A’s, their fans need to be warned to change their team colors when traveling to Israel.” While Nationals officials could not be reached for comment on this critical story, there seem to be no truth to rumors circulating on Capitol Hill that a special session of Congress will be called to deal with the crisis. “I think we can come to a settlement of this without a lot of hubbub,” a CFG official noted, attempting to calm reader fears. “I mean, there’s no use putting up a lot of barriers here, we just need to get on with our business.” Despite these confident words, CFG is considering hiring a special investigator to outline steps that would lead to special rules that would bar Nats fans from wearing green. “We have the perfect guy in mind,” a board member said. “He’s a man of impeccable credentials and honesty. We know he can do the job.”